Nikon D700...What the hell?!?!?!

So my fancypants new camera can practically carry itself and take pictures and convert them to Chinese documents that can fly...it can make itself a virtual level...it can record video somehow..and it can put several photos on top of one another to create a new photo...but when I tried out my new camera on my first day of owning it, the results were a bit confusing.

Please see the below sock monkeys. (I got these awesome monkeys in a trade with Diana from sewingmommy.etsy.com. Check her out.)

The confusing part wasn't that a bunch of sock monkeys took up house on our stairs. That's pretty normal in our household. The confusing part is that every damn picture I take with my 17-50mm lens is now fisheye-esque. That black vignetting should not be there. I looked at my Nikon manual, which is about 5 million pages long, and found that vignetting is a common problem with the new fancypants camera. What the hell? So I go through the modes and turn vignetting off. Still all pictures look like this. I called Nikon and I honestly told them the lens is not Nikon, so they say we can't help you, you should be only using overpriced, overweight Nikon lenses. Call Tamron. I haven't called Tamron yet because I hate talking to customer service people who don't want to help and I fear they will just tell me to call Nikon. The sad part is that this used to be my favorite lens. Now it's practically unusable. Unless you are into circular photos, and I'm over that.